What is a TCK? 

TCK stands for “third culture kid” and is defined as an individual who spends a significant part of their developmental years outside of their parents’ passport culture, creating a unique “third culture” that blends their heritage, host cultures, and shared experiences with other TCKs. The term TCK was coined by sociologist Ruth Useem in the 1950s, and the term describes children of expatriates, missionaries, or military families who often feel “from everywhere and nowhere.” 

A Personal Example

I grew up as a missionary kid with an indigenous tribe in rural Mexico. That alone makes me a TCK (third culture kid) but I also am a child to an American father, and a mother who is from Guyana in South America. I would like to think this makes me a fourth culture kid due to the additional factors. Even in Mexico the indigenous culture was a subculture of the larger Mexican culture, as the tribe had its own idiosyncrasies. 

What did this mean for me? 

• Frequent travel – I grew up traveling often between towns, visiting supporting churches, and intermittently going back to the States to visit family on the East Coast. As a result, I grew fluent in the social and cultural norms and differences between indigenous peoples, mainstream Mexicans, Americans, and my own unique mix of culture within my home. 
• Mixed culture – My mother cooked food from Guyana, Mexico, and America. We spoke English, but to this day I am told I speak with a bit of a lilt due to the nature of how English sounds in Guyana, spoken more with a Caribbean accent (imagine something similar to a Jamaican accent). 
• Struggles with identity – While having the skills to be a social chameleon is a strength, as a child it left me struggling to pin down what my identity truly was, and who I wanted to be. I felt that I had options to choose from, and yet no obvious answer came forth, as the truth was I needed to change to adapt to each environment. 
• Impact on mental health – For me, growing up as a TCK led to some struggles with anger and depression as I felt misunderstood, lonely, and confused about myself and the world at large. I struggled with knowing myself, and being truly known by others. 

General Implications for TCKs 

The countries and specific context may vary, but my story of growing up between cultures, feeling out of place and never quite fitting in is not unique. 

The strengths of TCKs are:

• Flexibility
• Adaptability
• High awareness of others
• Attunement to social dynamics and environment
• Thinking outside of the box
• Knowing how to connect with people from many varying backgrounds

Some of the struggles of TCKs may be:

• Struggling to feel a sense of grounding, feeling rooted and connected in an authentic way to themselves and others
• Feeling as though they are presenting the appropriate mask to the situation, rather than their true self
• Anger at not having grown up in the same home, same location as many others have
• Difficulty processing the many goodbyes that are a byproduct of moving between countries and peoples 
• A vague sense of loss and grief, and confusion at where that comes from
• Guilt at not being more grateful for the “cool” and “unique” stories and manner of growing up

From a mental health perspective, TCKs may struggle more than their average peers with:

• Depression
• People pleasing tendencies
• Anxiety
• Trauma
• Substance use
• Self harm
• Suicidal ideation

Children of Ministry Workers

Some of these struggles may especially be true of children of parents in ministry, such as missionaries or pastors. Often with children of parents in ministry, there is normalized language of sacrifice, suffering, expectations to deny self, deny needs, and set a good example to others. Even if parents mean the best, this can come across to the child as a message of the parents choosing ministry over them, and the message that can be understood is one of not having enough worth to be paid full attention, to deserve to be a main focal point of the parents. 

As you may imagine, this is very painful for a child to experience, which can lead to internalized patterns of earning love, earning worth, and feeling that they are not enough on their own. These feelings are what can lead to depression, anxiety, substance use, self-harm, or suicidal ideation. 

What Can You Do?

As Parents

Prioritize Time

For parents of TCKs it is important to remember to carve out time for each child individually, to make them feel special, paid attention to, and remind them that they matter and are a valued part of the family. This may look like:

• A child-parent date
• Playing a game with the child
• Reading a book before bed time
• Involving them in mundane activities in the home or throughout the day (e.g. grocery shopping)

Setting aside family time as a whole is beneficial to maintain a family identity, providing fun spaces to check in, communicate, and let the children see the parents interacting with them. This may be a:

• Family dinner
• Family walk
• Game night
• Occasional vacation

It is important to remember that while the actions alone are beneficial, also modeling emotional connection is vital. Parents can model emotional regulation by checking in, asking insightful questions, and providing a safe space for all emotions, even the tough ones like anger and surliness. 

While some children may not automatically want to engage, or may complain about their parents intentionality, the long term benefits and implications outweigh the short term need of patience and long suffering. 

For some children, if they are already experiencing signs of depression, anxiety, self harm or suicidality, therapy would be recommended and beneficial in tandem with these options mentioned above. Depending on the age and needs, individual therapy with the child may be appropriate, or family therapy may be recommended in other cases. 

Children need a safe space, an anchor, and to feel protected and like someone is “steering the ship.” This is true in general, but even more so when there are changes in living circumstances, moves across countries and cultures, and the child is attempting to navigate schools in different languages or cultures. 

As Adults

Each TCK’s Experience is Unique

If you are an adult and some of the above resonates with you, it is important to acknowledge your experience and feelings. Two TCKs may have the same circumstances growing up, and yet feel very differently and have different perspectives about their childhood experience. This is normal, and not a sign of unhealthiness, being overly dramatic or sensitive, and in fact may be due to increased awareness of the world around you due to your experiences growing up. Each TCK may have their own pain points, anger, grief, or confusion. 

It is important to process this to build awareness, which could be individually (journaling, reading, mindfulness, prayer) or with others (talking with parents, trusted friends, mentors, therapy). 

Building awareness and facing yourself may bring difficult feelings like:

• Anger
• Mourning and grieving for the first time
• Questioning parents’ choices
• Facing one’s own internalized messages of low self-worth or unstable self-identity

It takes time to understand thought patterns, assumptions made, pain cycles, and build tolerance to facing tough memories and emotions. 

This whole process takes courage, during which patience and gentleness with self is vital. 

For some, more direct measures may be beneficial, such as EMDR (a form of therapy used to treat trauma and other diagnoses) or psychopharmaceuticals (if indicated).

Over time, the hope and goal is to move from suffering and pain → to acceptance and healing. 

From a place of facing one’s fears, the hope is a change in perspective, and perhaps even a sense of gratitude for how events have shaped their lives and identities. The hope is to be able to live out of a place of freedom, agency, and awareness, rather than reaction and repeated unwanted cycles. 

This may look like:

• Learning to love yourself
• Building an identity of worth
• A rooted sense of self 

It is important not to guilt yourself into shoulds, or to rush to healing, but instead to find meaning in the journey itself. 

Healthy relationships and community can also play a largely helpful role, which will be more addressed in a future article.

TCKs are special and can be proud of having a unique background, and in many ways advantages to others. As a matter of fact, famous football player Tim Tebow is a TCK! To this day he gives back to the communities that he grew up around in the Philippines. 

Even the book of Genesis in the Bible talks about Joseph (son of Jacob) as one of the first and most prominent examples of a TCK. God planned to use him to save the world from famine during that time. If you are a TCK, your struggles will not be in vain as God can also use you to bless and save many people.

If you find that this article aligns with you, and you believe you may benefit from seeing a therapist to process more, please reach out to Fully Health to find a therapist that will work for you!

Author

Tamazin Schafer

Tamazin obtained a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology at University of Southern California, and a Master of Science at Fuller Theological Seminary. Tamazin is culturally knowledgeable due to her experience growing up between countries, living with an indigenous tribe, and being mixed race herself. Tamazin has years of experience doing trauma work with adults and foster children in a community mental health setting and is passionate about holistic care and healing. Tamazin is trained in restoration therapy (level 2) and enjoys working with couples and families. She is also trained in EMDR therapy (level 1). Tamazin hopes to work with her clients towards being deeply rooted in themselves, building healthy connections within their context, and generating patterns to thrive. In her spare time, Tamazin enjoys exploring new coffee shops, hiking with her dog, and baking.